Beyond do’s and don’ts: opportunities for connection

Every culture has their do’s and don’ts: don’t use your left hand, don’t show your foot soles, don’t make this or that hand gesture… We all know the examples. While being aware of such customs is very important in order to avoid unintentionally disrespecting others, it is also at risk of trivializing cultural diversity. These are superficial differences that can easily be overcome by adjusting behavior. But of course, cultures differ on a much deeper level.

Focusing on only the tip of the iceberg is missing out on an opportunity for creating real awareness of differences, which is the first step towards genuine understanding and appreciation.

It is much more valuable to learn where those differences come from. Know that they are never random. Learn how they are rooted in history, culture, religion, geography, language. Find out how each one of these left their mark on ways of thinking and viewing the world. Ask not about customs, but ask about identity. Ask not to learn the bad and flirtatious words in a different language, but ask to learn the untranslatable words.

This makes differences interesting, if not fascinating. Such exploration will help discovering which fundamental values we share, and at which fundamental values there is disagreement.

And along our journey toward a better understanding of the world, we’ll learn so much more about ourselves, too. About the frame of reference we have always taken for granted. As Rudyard Kipling, an Englishman born in India, wrote: “what should they know of England, who only England know?” And anthropologist Edward T. Hall said:

“Culture hides much more than it reveals, and strangely enough what it hides, it hides most effectively from its own participants. Years of study have convinced me that the real job is not to understand foreign culture but to understand our own.”

We should cultivate a mindset that doesn’t see differences as a problem or as something that should be overcome, but as interesting and enriching. We should be thankful for differences, as they offer opportunities for learning, development and connection.

Literally. Because what happens when we learn, is that we develop new connections in the brain.

Differences can allow for personal development by creating more awareness of ourselves and our own culture. And the efforts of the process of approaching the other will generate a special kind of connection and understanding.

Thinking this way will de-problematize problems.

Below the surface: beyond observable differences lie opportunities for growth and connection

This article is the third in a series of four in which I describe four steps we need to take to fight discrimination and change world views.

1. Discrimination is (in)human: we are the problem ánd the solution
2. In the end, we’re all different: don’t fixate on what unites us
3. Beyond do’s and don’ts: opportunities for connection
4. Humble curiosity: understanding leads to appreciation